She is Water Still

Abandoning the surf,
a drop flies away,
on wings of wind,
wrapped in the clouds,
looking for her landing
and the place of it.

Hills, valleys, rivers,
meadows and farms –
admiring them,
contemplating them,
she falls on
parched land.

Shrivelled ground
devours her.
The drop
disappears,
losing herself,
vanishing completely.

Seeking to set free
she sets adrift,
enticed,
into an essence
way beyond.

Despairing,
she surges
with the swell.
Indifferent,
weary,
jaded,
and lifeless,
she discovers herself
within the timeless ocean.

What peace!
Being as she is
just a drop,
she is water still.

Do Not Regret

Do not regret anything that passed
for it is something that does not last,
of those things that do not endure
it is best to find a cure.

Live life in every way
just as you would each new day;
dreams that make you declare
love’s the only repair.

Let go of all that binds you
to a life that just flows through;
rise above the drowning pain
to a place of refreshing rain.

You will find beyond the cloud
an abode that’s eternally endowed;
that home of timeless bliss
far away from all that’s amiss.

Do not fear that pain you feel
for it will make you blossom and heal;
to take you to the Land of One
where you finish your home run.

 

The point is there is no point…

Do I live to die or die to live?
Is there a path I follow,
or a path that follows me?
Am I parenting my children,
or learning to be a parent?
Is there a point I begin with,
or a point that I need to reach?

Then it begins to dawn from somewhere far away,
Yet so near,
that I do not live nor die – I exist,
that I do not follow nor be followed – I be,
that I am not parenting nor learning to be a parent – I am,
that the point is there is no point – It is.

Faith, Love, Forgiveness, Gratitude

It all comes down to faith, love, forgiveness and gratitude…

There are days when it is faith in God. On the other days, it is definitely faith in myself. Sometimes, it is faith in people, times, life, destiny…

Loving myself tops the list. Loving unconditionally has brought me love all around – my family and friends, some do not reciprocate and a few unaware…

Forgiving myself to begin with. There have been percipices making me jump one way or another. But, forgiving myself and others I held responsible for this, has me diving headlong and coming up for air in time – not drowning any more…

Gratitude for life with all its shades – trials, tribulations, successes, failures, frustration, dissatisfaction. Gratitude now for peace, harmony, good health, love, happiness…

Those eyes

There, beyond time

are those deep, haunting eyes

peering inside mine

seeking,

disbelieving,

recognizing,

rejoicing.

 

Time stands still;

not a breath

looking, darting, delving;

realising, reconciling, suffering,

repenting.

 

Some forgotten reflection,

a lost chimera,

an abandoned yearning,

consigned to oblivion.

 

I long to know

what lies beyond

those deep haunting eyes

peering inside mine.

The Crossroad or Something Like It

 

It was not so long ago that we were standing at a crossroad in our life. It felt more like an end in the road at that time. God only knows how we have come so far from there! Each day has been a step and a tiny one at that.

Today, I share this because a very dear friend of mine is going through something similar in her life. She is at a crossroad of her own. She had her second baby a few months ago. He was born with some heart defect. One thing led to another and today he is a very sick child. The doctors have said that he will be a special child always and will not have a very long and healthy life and that too mostly at hospitals. The husband and the wife then decided to settle him out of the hospital into a family, other than theirs, which is equipped to handle such babies. The little baby is doing much better now but some changes in the brain and the body are irreversible. I just pray that they be given enough strength and wisdom to live with their decision every day for the rest of their lives.  It must have been one of the toughest decisions that they will ever make in their lifetime!

A few years ago, we lost our first born twin babies soon after they were born. It was a devastating time for us and we could never have dreamt about it in our worst nightmares. I am sure nobody can. But, life throws such googlies at times; we know not what to do with them. Both, my husband and I, used to grieve in our own ways; sometimes sharing, at other times just keeping to ourselves. We grew with each other.

I could not even hold the babies properly in my arms as they were in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) all the time. They were born way too early and were gone just like that before we could comprehend. I was inconsolable about it in my heart for months and years. I could hold only one of the babies for a few minutes as the other just went away within a few hours of being born. I missed not holding him even for a few minutes. I just wanted to hold both of them once more. There was such a weight on my heart about this.

Then, something extraordinary happened. I got pregnant with my daughter after months of waiting. We were still so shaken to the core that our celebrations were muted should something happen again. And, one morning I got up feeling that all the weight on my heart had been lifted. I felt so peaceful. Suddenly, a thought flashed in my mind. I had dreamt that I was in a room with my babies. And, they were in my arms! I felt the warmth of their tiny bodies in my arms. They were with me!

Since that day, my guilt, of just being able to hold one baby and not the other, vanished. I was happier and peaceful with myself. I have never been able to convince myself that the dream was just a manifestation of my mind and my grieving heart. It was something much more than that. Maybe, I will be able to explain it better some other time.

We have since been blessed with two babies – a daughter and a son. They are beautiful. Their births have been adventures in themselves. I feel blessed to be a mother of four babies – two in my heart and two in my soul.