The Crossroad or Something Like It

 

It was not so long ago that we were standing at a crossroad in our life. It felt more like an end in the road at that time. God only knows how we have come so far from there! Each day has been a step and a tiny one at that.

Today, I share this because a very dear friend of mine is going through something similar in her life. She is at a crossroad of her own. She had her second baby a few months ago. He was born with some heart defect. One thing led to another and today he is a very sick child. The doctors have said that he will be a special child always and will not have a very long and healthy life and that too mostly at hospitals. The husband and the wife then decided to settle him out of the hospital into a family, other than theirs, which is equipped to handle such babies. The little baby is doing much better now but some changes in the brain and the body are irreversible. I just pray that they be given enough strength and wisdom to live with their decision every day for the rest of their lives.  It must have been one of the toughest decisions that they will ever make in their lifetime!

A few years ago, we lost our first born twin babies soon after they were born. It was a devastating time for us and we could never have dreamt about it in our worst nightmares. I am sure nobody can. But, life throws such googlies at times; we know not what to do with them. Both, my husband and I, used to grieve in our own ways; sometimes sharing, at other times just keeping to ourselves. We grew with each other.

I could not even hold the babies properly in my arms as they were in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) all the time. They were born way too early and were gone just like that before we could comprehend. I was inconsolable about it in my heart for months and years. I could hold only one of the babies for a few minutes as the other just went away within a few hours of being born. I missed not holding him even for a few minutes. I just wanted to hold both of them once more. There was such a weight on my heart about this.

Then, something extraordinary happened. I got pregnant with my daughter after months of waiting. We were still so shaken to the core that our celebrations were muted should something happen again. And, one morning I got up feeling that all the weight on my heart had been lifted. I felt so peaceful. Suddenly, a thought flashed in my mind. I had dreamt that I was in a room with my babies. And, they were in my arms! I felt the warmth of their tiny bodies in my arms. They were with me!

Since that day, my guilt, of just being able to hold one baby and not the other, vanished. I was happier and peaceful with myself. I have never been able to convince myself that the dream was just a manifestation of my mind and my grieving heart. It was something much more than that. Maybe, I will be able to explain it better some other time.

We have since been blessed with two babies – a daughter and a son. They are beautiful. Their births have been adventures in themselves. I feel blessed to be a mother of four babies – two in my heart and two in my soul.

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Sana

My daughter turned 6 yesterday! How time flies…she was such a tiny and delicate baby when I first held her in my arms! What a scare she gave all of us when she was making her way into this world! Amazing to see her dancing and prancing around today growing a little everyday 🙂 It gives me so much pride and pleasure to be called ‘Ma’ by her…thank you baby for coming into our lives…god bless and love always!

Birthdays…

There was once a nine-year old little girl, who was very fond of her grandfather, Baba. One day, her Baba came to visit her. She would spend all her free time with him after school. She would chat with him, tell him all about her school, her day, her friends…everything. Then, one day, Baba had to go back to his home as Dadi was alone there. A few days after Baba was leaving was this little girl’s birthday. So, she requested Baba to stay back for a few more days, celebrate her birthday with her and then return home.

Baba told her, “I am sorry, beta, I have to go back. But, you know, each day is a new day and each day should be celebrated as one’s birthday.”

The little girl could not comprehend this and, as expected, was hurt and upset. Anyways, Baba left for his home as planned.

Today, this little girl understands the significance of each new day but she still waits to celebrate her birthday with her Baba. Now, she celebrates her children’s birthday with great happiness and enthusiasm. 🙂

My blog in Hindi

Rabindranath Tagore once said to Balraj Sahni, the renowned actor and writer, that one must be able to express oneself first in one’s mother tongue and then try and write in an alien/another language. This has been haunting me since the time I learnt about it. It ran uncannily true for me. I do most of my work in English and mostly think in English too. But, Hindi remains my mother tongue and my heart still works best in Hindi. Hence, here is a small effort to get my heart in words at my blog http://shubhainhindi.wordpress.com

“Ma, I want to marry a very nice person!”

My five-year old daughter and I went on our usual evening walk yesterday, looking for flowers, leaves, twigs, birds, cats and dogs. It was a very peaceful and a happy walk. She was singing to herself and chatting with me once in a while. Then, suddenly, I was involved in a conversation with her which left me speechless, to say the least, for a while.

“Ma, I want to marry a very nice person when I grow up,” she said.

“Ofcourse, dear, that is what one must always do,” I said, sending my prayers and wishes to the Almighty above to fulfill her wish.

“And you are not going to tell me to marry this person or that. I will choose on my own,” she clarified.

“Ofcourse, ” I promised, as if I had another choice.

“Tell me, how did you and Papa get married?” she asked.

“Well, we met with each other and then we decided to marry,” I explained.

“No, who said what?” she demanded.

“When we met with each other, your Papa asked me if I would marry him,” I elaborated.

“Then what did you say?” she pushed on.

“I said ‘Yes, I would marry you’,” I replied.

She smiled to herself with some newly acquired wisdom.

“You know, you married a very nice person,” she said wisely (as if there is another hero for her in this world at this moment!).

I controlled my laughter, my overwhelming love for her and simply said, “Thank you.”

I returned home to narrate the conversation to my husband. He was speechless for a few minutes, though I am sure thrilled about the hero-worship, and then he asked, as all fathers of daughters always do, “Don’t you think she is a little early for this?”

I laughed.

Life at its best!

It looks like this post goes as I my first, formal post other than the welcome note. And I am glad to be doing it for various reasons.

Well, I am delighted to announce the birth of my baby boy in January 2009. My family feels complete to me with a four year daughter and this son. And am I glad to be on maternity leave!

It is said that parents teach the kids to grow up. I firmly believe that it is the parents who learn the ropes of parenting and life more than the kids learning about life. And I am doing just that at the moment. Of course, it is a great challenge – I glow, I succeed, I falter, I fall, I get up and go again. All metrics fail when it comes to this. Every thing measures up only to how my children turn out in life. “As you sow, so you reap!

Amongst all this growing up that I am doing, I am just raring to go back to work. Thinking and planning about it gives me a high. I shall be learning to juggle some more and multi-task much more.

I am sure all the times to come are going to be great fun for me. As Richard Bach says in Illusions – “You are where you choose to be” and as Paulo Coelho quotes the Arabs – Maktub (meaning loosely – It is written).

With more soon…